Struggles

I struggle. Big decisions make me decide, rethink, reconsider, stay up late at night thinking...or blogging. It is just so hard to know what to do.

In the past 36 hours, I've conceived (pun intended) all kinds of ways to not accept that we won't have more children.

1) First thought, try IUI again, just see if we can save up some "deposits" and add them together:) Makes sense to me. I think we will suggest that to the Doctor.

2) Save, for several years. The fear being, we will have to put A LOT of other things on hold to save that much money. But, if it works, it would so be worth it. If it doesn't, we just put A LOT of other things on hold to chase a dream.

3) Theoretically, we have access to about half of what we need on our own....could we do Fundraisers? My parents are willing to help. My mom is even willing to sell her sports car. If I gave her another grandchild, she wouldn't even miss the car. But, this is putting all our eggs (literally) in one basket. We could be left with no money, no car, and no baby.

4) Pull a Brothers and Sisters move and have Matt's 6 brothers all make a deposit together, then cheer on those Hartke swimmers! Okay, not serious about that one........well....it's not a terrible idea, is it? However, it didn't end well on Brothers and Sisters when they had to determine who was ACTUALLY the biological father.

So...still praying. Praying for guidance. Praying for clear answers. If it is meant to be, praying that God will provide the money. If not, praying for contentment. I did feel content tonight, as I watch Jeremy wrestle with his grandpa. I love that little boy.

Heartbreak

We got the news today. Our only option to conceive a child is through IVF with ICSI. Without insurance coverage, and hefty price tag of $12,000-$15,000, it simply is not an option for us. I spent my morning hours just crying. Crying tears of anger, tears of heartache, tears for Jeremy. All my dreams of having a big family, crushed.

I'm trying to see the bright side. I'm praying that God with grant me peace of mind, and a feeling of contentment with our first Miracle child. Our wonderfully perfect little boy. I pray that he feels content being an only child, and never feels slighted not having a built in playmate.

For those that do pray, my request to you as that you pray for our family. That God grants us a feeling a peace. That God filters out the people who like to say "Isn't it about time you expand your family???" because my patience is thin. That God will reveal to us the benefits of having only one child, so we can rejoice in our situation, and relish the rest of our life as a family of three.

Pictures:)

We haven't posted any pictures recently on the blog, so I thought maybe I should add a few:)

These are all from October 2010. As tradition dictates, we went to the pumpkin patch and picked some pumpkins again. This year, Jeremy was a BIG help in the carving process. He stuck his hand in and pulled out all the goo so I could carve the pumpkin. Last year, he would not put his hand in the pumpkin for anything! Unfortunately, the squirrels ate the pumpkin as soon as it went on the porch. Thomas the Tank Engine is a big hit at our house these days. So, we went to the store to get a Batman Costume (which Jeremy said he wanted), but saw Thomas there and of course changed our mind. He was a great Thomas! Even if trick-or-treating only lasted about 3 houses. People dress up WAY to scary to hand candy out to little kids. Halloween is not our thing.